Jim, Lori & the Cheetah

A few weeks ago, my partner, Jim, and I, went on an Ultimate Animal Encounter, which was an early morning walk with a couple of wild Cheetahs, named Anubis and Osiris.   Our friend, Clare Kelso, who gives countless hours to the zoo, gave us this Encounter as a Christmas present.  We were given it in 2008 so hold the record for the longest time between getting it and using it!

The Auckland Zoo sent us a little kit beforehand – no bright clothing, no jangly jewelry, wide brimmed hats or sunglasses.  Apparently they want to be able to see your eyes and it makes them nervous if you’re wearing sunglasses.  We were more than happy to oblige.  You also have to be 1.3 meters in height or they consider you prey.  So at 8:00am in the morning, before the zoo opened, we gathered for our walk on the wild side.  There was a film crew shooting at the Zoo gates so we had to wait for them to finish a shot before we went in.  Jim was more than happy to chat with a number of the crew he knew from previous shoots.

It was a beautiful sunny day and the zoo was so quiet with no one around.  You could hear the bellow of the lions as they arose and the crowing of the roosters, who run freely around the zoo.  We were welcomed by Elana, who was our guide through- out the entire walk.  We also had a man named Dougal, who was taking the morning off work and a Kiwi keeper with a guest from an American zoo.  Four of us and 2 Cheetahs.   Each Cheetah had a keeper who held onto their leads.

Anubis and Osiris are brothers who couldn’t be less alike.  One is very wary and always on guard while the other took every opportunity to fall down and have a roll around.   They’ve been hand reared but are still wild.  The keepers work hard at building a familial relationship with them where they’re seen as part of the family.

The Cheetah is Africa’s most endangered cat.  Their only asset is that they can run really fast.  But it doesn’t guarantee they’ll hold onto what they catch.  Apparently the bigger cats are prone to stealing their hard won conquests and there’s nothing much they can do.  Their teeth are similar to a Labrador dog.  Isn’t that kooky?  You expect them to have these lethal teeth but they don’t.  They’re lithe looking and have long legs with powerful haunches that give them their explosive running power.  They’re paws are quite dainty and they sort of resemble a large dog/cat.  Every now and then they get a chance to have a big run in the elephant enclosure.  They have to book it and ensure the elephant is out, most likely having a walk around the zoo themselves.

The tour started when we got to the Cheetah enclosure and the keepers were putting their leads on, patting them and letting them lead themselves out into the zoo.   We strolled around the zoo for the next hour and a half, following two wild Cheetahs.  They loved looking at the flamingos and the giraffes were pretty intriguing.  We spent quite some time staring at them.  When we were going past the lions they really hunkered down and looked pretty furtive.  Lions are no friends of theirs and can kill them or steal their catch.  They stopped, stared and their whole body slunk down as they literally crept past.

The Auckland Zoo has tons of wild chickens running around everywhere.   I thought the Cheetahs might think this was easy pickings but they ignored them and just kept going.   We had a long stop at the Orangutan enclosure.  One of the Cheetahs loved watching them and the youngest Orangutan, Madju, put on a defiant show.  He waved his bit of cloth around and taunted the Cheetahs.  He was very cheeky and seemed to have a pretty good idea he was safe.

After that one of them got up on the picnic table and sat down.  It was picture taking time.  Jim and I stood next to Osiris and one at a time patted his fur.  It was quite course and his fur was hot to the touch.  He was also purring very loudly.  It was like a cat purr times 6.  Then he jumped down and on we went.   We got back and the Cheetahs went into their enclosure and had a lovely morning tea.  They started with a bit of frozen rabbit, to give them roughage and ended with some yummy looking raw steaks.  We left them having a good gnaw on bones and went off as the zoo was opening.

Lori Dungey
ConArtists Creative Director

RE: Air New Zealand’s “Cougar” Ad

“I am so tired with people saying “it’s just a joke”. I worked for Rape Crisis for 7 years. My work there confirmed NOTHING is funny about anything which demeans anyone for sexual behaviour (older women enjoying their sexuality). Nor is it funny to show predatory sexual behaviour of either sex. That ad does show sexual abuse. Not funny, let me assure you. How would we feel if it was a murder parody? Kill for a seat perhaps?

We have so many indications that women especially, but guys too, are being reduced to only their sexuality (watched any music vids recently – Justin Timberlake, et al?) and being dumped or made fun of when older (Judy Bailey). Aren’t men incredibly fed up too with being shown as a pack of wimps (also see “Whipped” ice block ad)? And how lazy are copy writers getting?

And now older women are 35 plus and desperate, reduced to using physical force and payments to get a sexual partner?! Yes, let’s see more guys dumping their wives of many years for younger women – happening more and more. Women as playthings (Tiger Woods) and women using their sexuality to get fleeting fame and money (women who slept with Tiger Woods).

Younger people are having joyless sex without thought as a tool to keep a partner or because it’s expected. All of the above is indicative of a society not teaching respect and value for individuals. If you have ANY doubt that there is an continuum of abuse from seemingly “fun” ads like this to soft porn to hard core violence watch “This Is Not a Love Story” an old but pertinent, Canadian documentary.”
We are naughty, we make sexual references but, in the heat of the moment, if any actor goes over the mark, then you – the audience – can remind them. Our audiences are supportive, playful and over all don’t give us a hard time. Improv brings out the best in audiences but they will wail at any comment that tips too far. Fair enough too. Our stand-up comedy artists in Auckland has certainly become interesting, doubly funny and so watchable since dumping most old, misogynistic material and replacing it with quick witted, intelligent observational comedy.
ConArtists has lots of fine, very funny actors who have signed up for a risky profession but we all have to be on the look out that we are treating every person with the same playful humour and that our innuendos are never a laugh too far.

Clare Kelso
Creative Director, ConArtists

Alternately, we’ll be squishing into Penny’s car for a 4-hour drive to Whakatane for the premiere of ConArtists’ first all female cast in ‘Austen Found: The undiscovered Musicals of Jane Austen’.    This is an entirely improvised musical in the style of Jane Austen and, hopefully, true to the Regency Period. It’s also the beginning of a thrilling road trip.

After Whakatane, it’s off to the Hamilton Garden Festival (Feb 21 & 22) to perform in a beautiful conservatory that is ludicrously perfect for our Regency romp.  You could just imagine Jane Austen fingering the pianoforte or eating a strawberry off the vine.  We are going to look as cute as a half crown in our floral regency gowns and bonnets.  We even made the bonnets ourselves with the help of a U-Tube instructional.  U-Tube has everything!  I burned my fingers on the glue gun more times then you could say “I will not raise any outcry; I will keep my ill humor to myself.” (Emma)

Then we’re leaving on a jet plane for the Adelaide Fringe Festival for 3 weeks.  I hope the glue doesn’t melt in the Adelaide heat or we’re all in big trouble.  This will be an exercise in patience as our four women and one man cast live in a 2-bedroom motel.  Robbie, our token male, is a brilliant muso who improvises like a dream.  Then there’s Stayci, Lucy and Penny.  Penny has been the stalwart, doing all the hard work and putting all the pieces together.   She’s been a solo performer for years so I think she’s delirious with joy that she’s finally got mates to play and perform with.  It’s tough being the only one handing out your flyers.

I snore a little so that will be a challenge for her as well.  We’re bunking together.  Our ticket sales are at 36% so we’re pretty pleased by that.  There’s a Jane Austen Club in Adelaide who have got their tickets and dance cards ready. Bless.

We’ve been enormously girly swat about this production.  We rehearse conscientiously, trotting out all the various characters that Jane Austen has created.  We’ve worked on the language of the time, our knowledge of history and manners and the various modes of transport, dress and what they ate.  I’d love to sample some Jugged Hare, Beetroot Pancakes and Stuffed Boars Head though I could happily pass on the Blue cheese with Maggots.

We’ve watched every version of Emma, Mansfield Park, Northanger Abbey, Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility.   I am slowly making my way through the novels.  I am currently reading “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-smith.  In this novel version, Elizabeth Bennet of Hertfordshire has a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, as well as the weaponry of Europe and the fighting styles of the Kyoto Masters.  She’s a Zombie slayer and these undead, who have been afflicted by a mysterious plague, are bringing mayhem to the quiet English countryside.  It’s hysterical.

Lori Dungey
ConArtists Creative Director

Every year about 4,000 people gather from all over Europe and England, from Friday to Sunday night, to celebrate everything that is LOTR. It’s a mad mixture of sword craft lectures, stage fighting workshops, lectures on the Elvyn language (yes, there is an Elvyn language), Celtic history, costume parades, talent competitions, Tolkien discussions etc… Many of the “fans” who attend wear costumes of their favourite character or “thing” for 3 days. One year a gal came as the Party Tree, complete with dancing Hobbits and fairy lights. She couldn’t sit and had to lie down on the back seat of a car to get to the convention. There’s more Gandolph’s, Treebeard’s, Lady of Lothlorien’s, Legolas’, and Frodo’s then you could shake a stick at. Many who attend spend countless hours embroidering dresses and hammering out armor. I love these 2 girls who come every year as the Riders of Rohan. They’re decked out in armor and even have horses. Two child-size horses, on wheels and they’ve got armor as well. They have the movie sound track in a ghetto blaster tucked under one of the horses. The rousing soundtrack plays as they get pulled up and down the hallways of Gondor.

Two years ago, with the decline in interest of LOTR (It’s been 10 years!) they incorporated actors from Harry Potter and Pirates of the Caribbean. Last year they included Twilight actors, so a very large number of young girls attended.

I’m part of the Kiwi contingent that is there every year, along with the real international stars. During the day, my job is to chat and mingle with the “fans”, turn up for the autograph signings, picture posing and teach a couple of improvisation workshops. I do one solo 50-minute slot for about 1,500 “fans” where I present a short film that I’ve made during the year. It always features some silly adventure of Mrs. Bracegirdle. Hysterical thing is I’m actually wearing a Heidi outfit I got for some corporate gig, but no one seems to care.

Then in the evenings, the Kiwis do some madcap improv. We try to incorporate themes from the LOTR, as well as Twilight and Harry Potter as well as getting some of the real “stars” involved. They love it because they have a great time and they end up looking adorable. In one scene we recreated a date in the style of fairy tale characters with a young girl we plucked from the audience. We brought up another “volunteer” from the audience who turned out to be the heart throb star from an American TV Vampire show called Blood Ties. The “fans” went mad. Think of 3,000 screaming girls and you’d be about right.

We also used a couple of German actors who voiced Twilight. It’s a huge industry in Germany and all TV shows and movies are dubbed into German. They’re very popular and the audience went ballistic when we did this crazy scene where each Kiwi actor was assigned an “interpreter”. Their job was to interpret into German every line and noise made by the Kiwis. They stood as close as they could and the scene got faster and louder and everyone was working as hard as they could to keep up with everyone else. Very enjoyable mayhem.

Then it’s all over. That is, until the next year, if you’re fortunate enough to get an invite back. I’m happy to report I’ve got my invite for 2010 so I’m getting ready for another Bracegirdle production.

It was (ConArtist creative director) Greg Cooper’s idea to make a show based around the current enthusiasm, nay, hysteria for the vampire genre.  Then he promptly buggered off to do a show about Edgar Allan Poe in Christchurch.   Irony or poetic justice, you be the judge.

The group (or, now that I’m fluent in vampire – nest) was formed and Penny Ashton, Nigel Burrows, Clare Kelso, Chris Neels and myself put ourselves on a strict diet of Twilight, True Blood and various calorific offerings as we researched the genre.  It soon became apparent that Clare was overqualified.  The woman owns every season of Buffy ever made and can quote Anne Rice down to the page number.

So armed with our resident expert in vampire law and a free rehearsal space (we love the mighty Drake) we set upon 6 weeks of workshopping – a hilarious process where we learned many new skills and challenges, including you can’t enter a scene as your vampire character and cheerfully announce “Good Morning”!  Not unless you plan to launch yourself into an instant fiery death.

Actually we did practise instant fiery deaths.  It involved a demonstration from our resident dance captain Penny Ashton and proved impossible to recreate without going into a jazz ballet run in our attempts to exit invisibly.  We also had decisions to make about fangs – to imply or to costume?  Nigel was particularly keen on the latter, although his enthusiasm seemed to wane after he was put in the unfortunate position of having to converse with local constabulary in the middle of the night whilst wearing them.  His story goes he was ‘just trying them out for size’ …

Fangs or no fangs, we had to come to terms with the fact necks had to be bitten.  After one last particularly enthusiastic session in Wellington, Chris found himself performing his Bite Me: Fangprov debut sporting an impressive hickey.

The festival is a fantastic initiative of WIT: The Wellington Improv Troupe.  This year there were more shows, including two from Impro Melbourne, and more chances to jam with other players, including our great pals from Christchurch’s Court Jesters – whose show quite coincidentally had exactly the same costume concept as ours.  (And if you wonder why a vampire show requires gingham, checks and denim, just watch an episode or two of True Blood.)   Friends were made.  Notes were shared.  Workshops were attended, even after late night Fringe Bar karaoke sessions involving tequila.  And, like Austen Found: The Undiscovered Musicals of Jane Austen (see what I mean about a colon?), we hope this new show proves just as immortal.

Cast of Bite Me

Stayci Taylor is an actor with ConArtists and directed Bite Me: Fangprov for the New Zealand Improv Festival, Bats Theatre, Wellington 7 – 10 October 2009

And that got me wondering how laughter effects us physically. So where is the best place to research such things. GOOGLE of course and here is what I found about 3 rows down on the search results.

Sums it up pretty nicely really

Laughter and Our Health

For hundreds of years, it has been acknowledged that “Laughter is the best Medicine“. Breakthrough medical research is shedding new light on the physiological beneficial effects of humor on health. A sense of humor can come in handy, whether it’s for dealing with an illness, the pressures of daily living, stress, coping at work even, humor can dramatically change the quality and outlook of our lives. Humor is an easy way to get in touch with your feelings, and control them in difficult situations.

But you must know that laughter is not the same as humor. Laughter is simply the physiological response to humor.

Laughing makes us feel good for a reason. The physiological effects on our body do some pretty amazing stunts. For instance:

• Laughter appears to reduce levels of certain  stress hormones, and growth hormone. Laughter provides a safety valve that shuts off the flow of stress hormones and the fight-or-flight compounds that comes into action in times of stress, rage or hostility. Stress hormones suppress the immune system, increase the number of  platelets (which can cause obstructions in arteries), and raise blood pressure.
• Laughter boosts the Immune System. When in a state of mirth, natural killer cells that destroy tumors and viruses increase, as do Gamma-interferon (a disease fighting protein),  T-cells, which are a vital part of the immune response, and B-cells, which make disease-destroying antibodies. It also increases the concentration of salivary immunoglobulin A, which defends against the entry of infectious organisms through the respiratory tract. Laughter basically brings balance to all the components of the immune system.
• Blood Pressure is lowered, and there is an increase in  vascular blood flow, and an increase in oxygenation of the blood which further assists healing.
• Laughter may lead to hiccup-ing and coughing, which will clear the respiratory tract by dislodging mucus plugs.
• Laughter also gives your diaphragm and abdominal, respiratory and facial, leg and back muscles a workout. So basically laughter is an all over body workout. You can have fun, keep fit, and stay healthy in one easy step! Just Laugh!
• There also has been some belief that laughter may help prevent some life-threatening diseases such as heart disease. Anger and fear, are two common emotions, which are frequently responsible for the cause of heart attacks.
• Laughing 100 times is the equivalent to 10 minutes on the rowing machine or 15 minutes on an exercise bike!

Do you often feel exhausted after a bout of contagious giggling? This is because you have just had an aerobic workout.

Reference: http://library.thinkquest.org/25500/index2.htm

Laughter IS good for you so get out there and start laughing, and if you think “HEY! It’s not that easy!” then you need to give me a call.

Cheers

Geoff: 021-471-579

When this email arrived in my inbox 6 weeks out from my regional tour of the Taranaki Heartland during their Festival of the Arts, my happiness increased exponentially.

As a solo performer/producer/publicist/stage manager/personal stylist/spinster I tend to have to organise everything myself.   From Edinburgh to Ekatahuna to Adelaide I am usually the one putting up posters for five hours, the one flyering people who look at me as if I am offering gonorrhoea on a stick, the one haranguing the media to cover someone other than Danny Bhoy, and the one quietly wishing I had done that chemistry degree after all as there’s more waaaaaay more money in meth.

BUT finally someone ELSE was attending to the details right down to fuzzy sheets warming my weary buttocks.

Which was, in short, awesome.

So by the time came for me to pack my bags once again and head to the airport for New Plymouth, I was rather excited.  And justifiably so.

My first two shows were in The Salon Perdu Spiegeletent in its first outing to the southern hemisphere.  It’s like it’s famous cousin but is more brown inside…. in a good way.

Opening Night rolled around, as they always do, and I was furiously trying to Burlesqueify my hair with my flash new heated rollers to dubious effect.  Dita Von Teased would be a better description but I wedged my voluminous assets into my corset, hid the ladders in my fishnets and licked the lipstick off my teeth before hitting the stage.

My show, Hot Pink Bits, all about the history of the Sex Industry, complete with a one eyed sock puppet and audience volunteer stripper, was off to a ripping start when all of a sudden a noise like I had never heard before screamed through the tent.   It was as if it had physically kicked me in the butt and my body involuntarily jerked about like a toddler in a mosh pit.

I would imagine a similar sound could be heard if one tried to get between Joan Rivers and botox but actually it was the sound desk having a major tanty after some charming punter has spilt an entire beer into it.

So I had no sound.  No CD tracks. No microphone. No hilarious sound effects. No nothing.

BUT as a girl who’s used to doing everything herself I just soldiered on.  If I can perform to 6 people in basically a large Port-a-loo in the Pleasance Venue in Edinburgh, then I can deal with this. If I can do half my show in torchlight in the Saskatoon School Gym then I can deal with this.  Well that’s what I hoped anyways

BUT happily Hot Pink Bits Unplugged was the result and seemed to go rather well.

After my two nights in the Big Brown Tent I then headed out into the regions to perform in places with such fabulous names as Rawhitiroa, TeRata and my favourite Urenui, as it means Big Penis in Maori. (There was however no statue, like Ohakune’s big carrot, to commemorate this honour.)

I was performing in communities that consisted only of a hall but still 180 people would materialise from the bush bearing plates and plates of sausage rolls, club sandwiches, good old Kiwi Onion Dip… and the odd crate or two.

Then they would then sit and rowdily listen to me talk about the history of prostitution, pornography and B&D and sing a few ditties.  In Kakaramea we were performing in a hall that was 100 years old and had graffiti on the walls in chalk dating back to the 30’s.  It also had the charming words; “Patea Boys are W**kers.” I asked if this was still true but as no one was there from Patea, I can only assume it is.

I stayed with Farming Couples on numerous occasions and was stuffed full of so many roasted animals I could hardly lace up my assets. Also every dessert in the country contains apples curiously enough and I felt far too polite to refuse any of it.

On the final night in incredibly remote Makahu, it was as if the residents had been sucking back food colouring and sugar and Ritalin before I got there and were a crazy crowd.  One man, convinced I was going to drag him onstage to strip, even showed me the frilled underpants he had worn.

I also met a woman who decided she would definitely marry her brand new husband of 60 yrs old specifically because he was a pig farmer.  Which made me wonder if it was time I reassessed my criteria.

What I’m trying to say is as much as I loved performing to a packed Spiegeltent I will never forget that special roar of laughter that comes when you bounce up and down on the knee of a man in a town where all 180 people in the venue are somehow related to him and everyone is high on sausage fat.

So people flag Edinburgh, forget Adelaide and ignore Auckland.  Head to Urenui where all you need is flannelette, stewed apples and a really big member.

Ka pai.

www.hotpink.co.nz

But let’s take a moment for a little rant about ticketing. I think everybody is quite used to the scramble of ticketing ‘middle-men’ out there who are all to happy to provide you with tickets for a fee. A special jelly-bean goes to those of you out there who can name at least half of the outfits operating in this space… let’s see, there’s Ticketek, iTicket, BuyTickets, The Edge Ticketing Service, MyTickets, SlyTickets, iTix, TicketsOnline, TixMix, FlipBix. So I think you’re all familiar with how this all works…

You call up the ‘free’ 0800 number, so that you can hand over your credit card details over the phone and order your tickets. But wait, that’s not all — to thank you for your custom and your decision to actually buy a ticket, we’ll throw in a little extra for your time: an $8 fee for the privilege of talking to a real human being. (Human being: It’s sort of like those wax people you see at the museum, only they talk a lot more and move. Cool!) Oh, and did I mention that for those 8 bucks, you also get the extra bonus of letting someone else select your ticket? Totally. Basically, you tell them how much money you want to spend, and they’ll decide for you where they think you should sit. Which is a good thing, right? “Your tickets are P48 and P49 in the Circle,” the phone human says. Is that good? Who knows? (And how do you know really that 48-49 aren’t the last seats at the end of the row, off to the side? You don’t. And neither do you know that if you go in the next row back, say row Q, you won’t get centre seats in the next ticket bracket and save 40 bucks? You could go back and forth a little with the operator. But honestly, you’ll have no idea where you’re sitting until you show up for the performance. I’d rather spend my 8 bucks on a latte and a fudge brownie. Now that’s real value! Of course, you could go online and download a seating plan for the ASB Theatre to have handy while your talking to them on the phone — but apart from the fact that that seating plan is not actually easy to find — well, that would involve you going online anyway. Hmmmm. So let’s try the next option.

Online. Wow. We live in such a savvy little digital world. Internet shopping at your fingertips. No human this time. And well, you can’t choose you tickets either. What about an online seating plan that let’s you choose your seats visually from what’s available? Well I know that that’s standard throughout the world, but that would be too difficult to implement. So let the computer decide. Yay Computer! A perfect marriage between science and the arts! This time there’s no way to negotiate. Just give them your money and let some IT person’s algorithm decide which seats the venue hasn’t managed to sell. Oh yes, I almost forgot, 4 bucks please. Cheers!

OK, call me a traditionalist (and yes, you are probably calling me cheap too!) — but there’s only one way to guarantee satisfaction if you care about a) where you sit and b) how much of your money you are

going to hand over: Show up at the damn venue, go to the Box Office and work it out with the venue Staff, just like in the old days. After all, at the heart of this whole showbusiness/audience thing is the venue, right? So the venue wants to sell tickets, right? That’s why they set-up a box office, right? For the benefit of selling tickets to their own shows, right? You’d think.

So on this particular occasion, I drive to the venue a couple of weeks ahead of time so I can get the perfect tickets for The Andersen Project. I’ve been following Robert LePage’s career since the late 80’s and make an effort to see his shows whenever I can, seeing shows in Toronto, Montreal, Las Vegas, Wellington — and now, Auckland.

So far everything about the ticket transaction is going well — I’ve got the box office attendant’s computer screen swiveled around so I can select my own tickets from the seating plan (and yes, I do manage to save $40 bucks by sitting one row back from the original selection). Great. He reads out the total for the tickets I purchased. “Plus the service fee, of two dollars” he says.

How do you figure?

“Well there’s a service fee for selling tickets”

But you ARE the box office, right?

“Right”

And you ARE the venue, right?

“Yes”

So why would you advertise a price for something which you are not intending to sell at that price?

“Huh?”

Right. It’s like going to the dairy to buy a litre of milk, only there’s an extra ’store fee’ for buying, you guessed it, from a store.

If I can’t buy these tickets from the actual venue for the advertised price, is there anywhere I can buy these tickets for the actual price in the programme?

“Huh? I don’t think so”

Well, well, well. Interesting. Perhaps 2 bucks isn’t that much for an individual to cover. (Well it isn’t really, is it?) But that be a ‘pertee big venue there, cowboy!’ Would you care to multiply that by the number of seats you sell over the course of a couple of seasons?

I say to the staff person: “And how many times do people complain about this?”

“You’re the first.”

Wow. Very Baaaaaaaaad!

Robert Mignault is an Actor with ConArtists

It’s a stunning day in Auckland, the sun is shining and after returning from a mini-tour of the South Island I have to tell you life seems pretty sweet living in Aotearoa.

As well as improvising my way to better health I have an alter ego comedienne who travels NZ and the world spreading Hot Pink Laughs wherever she goes. The lucky recipients of my Pink Bits in the past few weeks were the bustling metropolises of Dunedin, Wanaka and ……… Gore.

That’s right Gore.

Now many out there at the mere mention of this diminutive southland town, screw up their nose, dig up some jokes about gumboots and wool and prepare to make baaa-ing noises. When I told one friend the wool dress I was wearing had been purchased in H&J Smith fine Department Store of Gore she replied: “Well I bet it’s not virgin wool then.”

Yes well.

I am here to defend them however. Though I cannot be 100% sure of their nocturnal paddock manoeuvrings I only encountered lovely welcoming people who happily forked over the cash to see me and then many bought fridge magnets with my breasts on them too.

So you see, they are very very clever people indeed.

Gore itself also has a lot of pretty countryside surrounding it and of course has an enormous fish statue, which is obviously awesome. (They also have a statue of a sheep, but I shall abstain from commenting on the significance of that.) They have free entry into the East Southland Art Gallery which maybe surprisingly was very cool and stacked full of Hoteres, Rita Anguses and giant Mali-an statues that Madonna wants to adopt AND if you’re a fan of country music, well it’s bloody near Mecca.

There was one very surly po-faced ladybeast in the local bar, but she still provided me with a cold one so can’t be all that bad.

So there, I’ll not have a bad word said against Gore again. My Wanaka shows went off like a bride’s nightie as well in the groovey Cinema Paradiso and Dunedin followed up the rear.

The best part of all the meanderings was I also got a chance to be a tourist in my own country. So I visited the Catlins and hung out with a sea-lion outside my bach and spotted three hoi-ho penguins, I climbed the tower in Larnach Castle, I wandered Oamaru’s historical district annoying the locals by saying how nice OR-ARM-A-RU was, I walked around Lake Wanaka looking at my future houses when I win Lotto, I drove past the little houses at Aramoana and got the chills, I drove through Timaru ASAP AND I told everyone wherever I went that I lived in Auckland, and they all said how lovely that must be for me.

Sure they did.

Next stop is The Comedy Festival here in Auckland with our lovely Austen Found and Sex, Lies and Improvise shows.

Be there or be in Timaru.

PS to purchase said fridge magnets visit www.hotpink.co.nz!

Penny Ashton is a MC and Actor with ConArtists

Conferencing can be the same dreary thing it was when I started. And what has that to do with the recession? Well, it’s this. Most in-house conferences cost thousands of dollars and most are a waste of time. You can’t afford to throw money away – but if you followed up the delegates a couple of months after a conference the majority wouldn’t remember anything but the great party on the last night when Derek in accounting copped a feel with the receptionist and the entire male management appeared in tutus to sing “I Feel Like a Woman”.

The recession means more belt tightening. So, we must ask ourselves why are we having Conferences at all. All that work. The planning, the booking of flights, the booking of the hotels, the site visits, the speakers, the “must do something new this year” party. The late presentations to add to the data show and the last minute failure of the laptop, sending presenters and techie support into a frenzy. The stress.

I’m not talking myself out of a job. I want you all to have good, successful conferences. So, here’s some rather timely advice – for free!

Before you start ask “WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS CONFERENCE? “. If the answers are – because we always have, they expect it, we need to give out this information – all not really good reasons. Having a great party is a very good reason. When belt tightening is on the agenda your work force can feel left out and undervalued. And they are the people doing the work.

If the conference is mostly info sharing can you give it by other means, e-document or booklet? If you think your employees won’t read it don’t be fooled – they won’t take it in any better from a speaker droning on with endless graphs and dull delivery. And just doing it because it’s expected? It’s the definition of madness to do the same old thing and expect new results.

Do you use music, pictures, colour, smell or taste and humour to get news across, good or bad? Those things are the memory triggers. Not those graphs or text filled screens. Pictures first for public talks supported by strong, witty, shocking, emotional speakers. Getting the lists of text to fly onto the page from the side, up, down or diagonally doesn’t make the text interesting or memorable. That’s the speakers job. Get training for your presenters (yes, of course, from me – you know there’s no such thing as a free lunch) before the conference. A couple of pointers over a couple of hours can make all the difference.

Make sure the room is set up without a central aisle. That’s the most impactful seats in the house for the speaker you’re taking away. A central aisle leaves the speaker talking to no one. And put the screen (if you MUST use them) on one side. The speaker’s emotional content is what the delegates will respond to. And stop putting up posters and banners with your companies name on the wall. They know who they work for. Have flowers, colourful lighting on drapes. Create atmosphere that makes them feel good about being there.

Don’t let your PA, or someone doing an existing job, do all the work. Use a conference organisor. The time and stress saved is worth the cost. Involvement is the key. Delegates must feel they “own” the conference – that they’re not just being talked to. Have a sub committee from all departments to format the programme to include all interested parties.

Structure the conference so the delegates get to actively participate in generating ideas for your company. There’s nothing more motivating than being given responsibility and feeling listened to. Have active sessions involving delegates

Theme your conference to something that will touch your staff in a realistic way. “Simply the Best” was the go-to conference theme of the 80s and 90s with wild haired Tina Turner belting it out to thousands of depressed Kiwis. The modern equivalents are phrases which include words like “Excellence” and “Customer Focused” and “Growing our Business” The delegates hearing these words are thinking – “that just means they’ll put up our sales targets and expect us to work harder, when I hardly see my family now”. How about “Work harder or the Company Will Fold” – honesty is always the best policy.

Include your workforce. This should be their conference and they may have some fabulous ideas to really “grow your business”. Shareholders are important and have taken a knock but most of your staff have a real incentive to keep your business healthy. They need the money for their mortgages, kids education and food on the table. Let them get enthused about their role to help.

Think about having different sessions to help your staff have a richer life and feel more connected to the community. And if you want more info about that or any other of my million ideas how to improve your conference – you just call me. I love to talk and I NEVER use Power Point.

And my last piece of advice? Don’t tell jokes. Use humour within your presentation. Don’t use big openings and closings if the bit in between is dull as dishwater. It’ll just high light that fact. And call me. I know conferencing and I’ll make you laugh. Even if I have to go find that street thug to help.

Clare Kelso is a Conference Facilitator, MC, Actor and Creative Director with ConArtists